Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
