Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
