so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
