Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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