wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
