Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
