I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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