his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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