if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
