Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
