I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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