Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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