He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
