It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
