Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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