it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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