brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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