You made me cry and you don't even care
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
