just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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