Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
