I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You are a genius and a whore.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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