4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
