Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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