Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
