After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
