I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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