Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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