what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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