as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
