My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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