I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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