just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
