I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
