you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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