Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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