I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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