Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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