You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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