I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
