The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
