the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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