My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
