so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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