just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
