Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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