And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
