Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
