No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
