I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
