i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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