girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
