i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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