you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If I die, sorry about rent.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
